Healing Fears (Smokey Mountain Book 3) Read online

  “Paul! Put me down, you ass!” A hard palm connected with her bare backside and, despite the freezing water in her face, she grinned.

  “Ask nicely, or I’ll leave you there until you learn some manners.”

  “Please, sir, would you be so kind as to put me down?” she asked, her voice dripping sugar.

  Paul lowered her so that she was standing in front of him, with his body blocking the spray. “Damn, that is cold,” he said, turning up the hot water.

  “Let’s see if we can heat you up,” Elisa said when he turned back to her, wrapping her arms around his neck.

  Later, after a long, hot shower—and some even hotter shower sex—they ate a late lunch. Elisa’s good mood lasted until Paul’s phone rang almost as soon as they finished eating.

  “Crap,” he muttered after checking the screen. “It’s work. Hey,” he said into the phone. “Seriously? We just finalized that. Yeah, I’ll be there in thirty.”

  “Don’t they know it’s Saturday?” Elisa asked with a pout after he disconnected.

  “Apparently not. I’m sorry, baby. I’ll make it up to you.” Paul disappeared into the bedroom and returned a few minutes later dressed in jeans and a polo. He kissed her goodbye, then grabbed his keys and headed out the door.

  As Elisa listened to the rumble of his truck pulling out of the drive, she realized that she could finally name the emotion she’d seen on his face earlier. The one she’d seen, just for a brief second after she’d asked if everything was okay. Because she’d just seen the same emotion on his face as he’d answered his phone.

  It was guilt.

  Chapter 19

  Monday morning, after Paul had left for work, Elisa sat at her desk and stared at her computer screen. She should be working, but she’d quickly discovered that she couldn’t focus. She knew something was wrong with her husband. Something he obviously felt guilty about. But she couldn’t for the life of her figure out what it might be.

  Navigating to a search engine, she stared at the blank box on the screen. The internet would have the answer, but how was she supposed to find it? Finally, she typed in: husband acting different and hit the search button. As she scanned the results, her eyes landed on one that nearly knocked the breath from her lungs.

  How to Know if Your Husband is Having an Affair

  She stared at the link, unable to move. The idea that Paul could or would cheat on her had never even crossed her mind. They had a nearly perfect life together. They were trying to have a child together, for heaven’s sake. There was absolutely no way he was having an affair.

  But that little voice, the one that insisted something was wrong, spoke up once more. He had been distant lately. Working late nights. And suddenly, the guilty look on his face as he told her he’d been called in to work on a Saturday branded itself in her mind. Taking a deep breath, she clicked the link. As she read the article, she could feel her heart breaking. She hadn’t known you could feel every tiny crack, as if someone was chiseling away at it, piece by piece, until there was nothing left.

  So many things made sense in light of this new information. The lack of discipline, or even playful spankings. The fact that they’d gone from making love on an almost daily basis to less than once a week. As she scoured the internet, more and more pieces fell into place. The flowers he’d brought her Saturday night to make up for going in to ‘work’. The fight they’d had and the way he’d lost his temper and disappeared for two hours.

  She wondered now where he’d been for so long. Had he picked a fight with her so he could go see his lover? Had he made love to someone else before coming back home to her?

  Just the thought that he’d been with someone else before being inside her made her feel dirty. Pushing away from the desk, she rushed to their bedroom and stripped off her pajamas before jumping in the shower. With the hot water turned up high enough to boil an egg, she scrubbed every inch of her body until her skin glowed bright pink.

  When the water began to run cold, she turned the shower off and wrapped herself in a towel. Walking back into the bedroom, she stared at her dresser. The effort required to put clean clothes on seemed suddenly far beyond her capabilities. Instead, she dropped the towel where she stood and climbed into bed, pulling the covers over her head.

  She wished Penny was home. Penny would know exactly what to do. Or at the very least she’d help Elisa drown her sorrows in wine and chocolate while they tried to figure it out. Reaching for her phone on the nightstand, she tapped out a text to Melissa, asking if they could meet for lunch. It was nearly a half an hour before her phone buzzed, and Elisa hadn’t moved from her spot beneath the blankets.

  Can’t do lunch. Dinner?

  Elisa had no idea if Paul would be home for dinner and at that moment, she didn’t care.

  Dinner would be great. Meet me at the mall around 6?

  With those plans made, Elisa felt a little better. Melissa would be able to help her figure out if she’d gone completely off the rails with her suspicions. She eventually forced herself out of bed and managed to get dressed and fix her hair and makeup.

  When she was ready to leave, she hesitated in the kitchen. She knew she should write Paul a note and let him know she’d be out. Or send him a text. But in the end, she turned and walked out of the house without doing either.

  Melissa was waiting for her at the entrance to the restaurant they’d agreed on, and she greeted Elisa with a warm hug. “I’m glad we were able to make plans. Going home alone doesn’t have the appeal it once did.”

  They followed the hostess to their table and gave her their drink orders.

  “Did you talk to Paul?” Melissa asked as they looked over their menus.

  Elisa glared at her menu. “I did. We had a huge fight. He left and didn’t come back for over two hours.”

  “Oh, sweetie. What happened when he came home?” The sympathy in Melissa’s eyes helped. No matter what, Elisa knew her friend would be in her corner.

  “He apologized, and we had some pretty incredible sex. Then he had to go to work.” She sneered a little at the last word.

  Melissa opened her mouth to speak, but the waiter came to take their order. “Elisa, is there something else? You still seem out of sorts,” she asked when the waiter disappeared again.

  Suddenly, it seemed too big. Too real. If she spoke the words out loud, then she’d have to face the possibility that her husband might actually be having an affair. She couldn’t face it, not yet. So she lied through her teeth. “I’m fine. That time of the month, ya know?”

  Melissa laughed. “I do. You should try yoga. Much more relaxing than running.”

  “I tried it with Penny a few times. I didn’t hate it, but running is definitely more relaxing for me. With yoga, I just felt like all my energy got all bundled up inside of me and I ended up going for a run anyway after we left.”

  “I’m not surprised. You have enough energy for three women.”

  Elisa was grateful that they’d moved on from her marriage. But when Melissa’s phone rang nearly an hour later, the subject ended up back on the table.

  “Hello?” Melissa said into the phone. She looked over and locked eyes with Elisa. “Yes, actually. I’m having dinner with her as we speak. Yes, I’ll make sure she calls. I love you, too.” Melissa set the phone down on the table, never breaking eye contact with Elisa. “That was Jack. Paul’s looking for you. You should call him and let him know you’re all right.”

  Elisa flushed under her friend’s disappointed stare. “I’m sure Jack will call and let him know where I am.”

  “Elisa, honey, what’s going on? Please talk to me.”

  “We’re just in a weird place right now. I don’t really know what’s going on.” Elisa sighed and dropped her head into her hands. “I just don’t know what to do.”

  “Right now, what you’re going to do is call your husband. Seriously, Elisa. Whatever is going on between you two, this isn’t the way to fix it.”

  “Fine, I’ll c
all.” Elisa yanked her phone out of her purse, wincing at the dozens of texts and calls from Paul. He answered on the first ring.

  “Elisa? Are you okay? Where the hell are you?”

  Guilt finally bloomed at the sheer panic in his voice. “I’m fine. I’m at dinner with Melissa and I had my phone on silent.”

  “I’m glad you’re okay, but why didn’t you just tell me? You know I don’t care if you go out with your girlfriends.”

  “Yes, I know you don’t care. You’ve made that abundantly clear,” she snapped, ignoring Melissa’s raised eyebrow.

  There was a heartbeat of tense silence, then, “I think you need to come home now, young lady.”

  Young lady. The words sent a shiver of anticipation down her spine. “I’ll come home when I’m ready. Bye.”

  “Have you lost your mind?” Melissa asked, gaping at her from across the table.

  Elisa sent her a humorless smile. “Doesn’t matter. He’s not going to do anything about it. So why the fuck should I care?”

  Melissa sighed. “Even if he doesn’t, acting like this is extremely detrimental to your marriage. I know things are weird right now, but—”

  “But what? I should just continue being the obedient little wifey? Fuck that.” Elisa flagged down their waiter and asked for the check. “If he thinks he can run around on me and I’m just going to sit at home waiting for him to grace me with his presence, he’s wrong.”

  “Run around on you? What are you talking about?”

  Elisa closed her eyes. She hadn’t meant to say that, but she’d been so angry that everything had just started tumbling out. “He’s working crazy hours. When I asked him if everything was okay at work, he lied to me. I could see the guilt all over his face. Just like I saw it Saturday night when work called and he had to go in. And again, when he brought me flowers that night to make up for it.”

  “Elisa, none of that means he’s having an affair,” Melissa said carefully.

  “I know that. But there’s something wrong between us. I can feel it in my gut. And he won’t tell me what it is. Right now, an affair is the only thing that makes sense.” She swiped at the tears she hadn’t even noticed falling.

  “You want me to come home with you, see if I can help?”

  Elisa shook her head. “You’re my friend, not my therapist. That’s not fair to you, to put you in that position.”

  “It’s sketchy territory for sure.” Melissa pulled a small notebook and a pen from her purse and scribbled something on a piece of paper. “Here’s the number for someone you can call. He’s further away and a bit more pricey, but he’s excellent. That’s who I see,” she added, handing the paper to Elisa.

  “You see a therapist?” Elisa asked with an amused smile.

  “Of course. How do you think I stay sane surrounded by all you crazies?”

  Elisa was relieved to discover that she could still laugh, and mean it. Maybe everything would be all right after all.

  Chapter 20

  The full weight of exactly how bad she’d messed up didn’t really hit until Elisa pulled into her driveway an hour later. She hadn’t pulled anything like this since college, when she and Penny had gotten tired of studying and disappeared for the day without telling anyone. Elisa distinctly remembered the welts she’d sported after Paul and that bundle of switches had finished with her.

  Then again, if she judged things by the past few months, maybe nothing would happen. She couldn’t decide which option scared her more. She just so desperately wanted everything to be normal again.

  After sitting in the car for another fifteen minutes, she finally convinced herself to go inside. Paul was sitting on the couch in their living room, waiting for her.

  When she walked in, he turned his head and pinned her with a look. “If you wanted my attention, you’ve got it. But you’ll be wishing you didn’t very shortly. You know what to do.”

  “Can we talk about this?” Elisa’s heart was racing. She was getting what she’d wanted, but she was suddenly wishing he’d just go back to ignoring her.

  “Sure,” Paul replied, surprising her. “You can start by telling me why you didn’t bother to let me know you were going out, and then ignored my calls and texts for over an hour. To the point that I started calling everyone we know just to see if they knew where you were.”

  Elisa winced. “When you put it that way, it sounds bad,” she whined.

  “How else should I put it, Elisa Marie? Because from where I’m sitting, that’s exactly what happened.”

  “I was upset.”

  “About what? I thought we were good.” The honest confusion on his face made her pause. She couldn’t decide if she’d overreacted or if he was just a really great actor.

  “I thought so too, but I can’t shake the feeling that something is wrong and you’re just not talking to me about it.”

  Paul sighed. “I’m sorry if I made you feel that way. Once this project wraps up, we’ll go away somewhere. Just the two of us for a few days, okay?”

  It was on the tip of her tongue to press, to come clean about her suspicions, but he seemed so sincere she didn’t have the heart to. “That sounds good. Am I still getting a spanking?”

  He grunted out a short, humorless laugh. “Oh, yeah. I don’t want to, but I can’t just let this one go. Go get ready.”

  Feeling oddly relieved, Elisa turned and walked to the bedroom. She stripped off her jeans and laid them over the chair by her side of the bed, then pulled her underwear down and off. There was a single corner in their bedroom that had been left deliberately bare, just for this purpose. Facing the corner, she placed her arms behind her back, cupping her elbows. She made sure that she was standing straight and not leaning against either wall.

  For a long time, there were no sounds other than the old house settling around her. As part of the ritual, she’d be standing in that corner for exactly ten minutes before Paul would come in and call for her. She shivered slightly, wondering how severe her punishment was going to be. Seconds dragged into minutes and then she heard the door to the bedroom click shut.

  The hairs on the back of her neck stood up when he walked past her. She heard the soft scrape of the chair against the carpet, and then his deep voice saying, “Come here, Elisa.” Taking a deep breath, she turned to face him. Her eyes went wide when she saw the small wooden paddle in his hand, but she knew better than to argue. That was a lesson she’d learned well, very early in their relationship. Instead, she quietly walked to his side and lowered herself over his lap.

  The weight of his arm wrapping around her waist was comforting even as it reminded her that she was at his mercy. Then his hand came down, hard and heavy, cracking against her bare bottom. And that strong, comforting arm was suddenly a prison she couldn’t escape.

  “Ouch! Shit, that hurts!” she cried, wiggling against his hold.

  Two stinging slaps landed at the tops of each thigh. “Language, little girl. Trust me, you don’t want any extras tonight.” With that, he laid into her, pounding out a fast and furious rhythm on her backside.

  Elisa clamped her mouth shut and forced herself to stay as still as possible as he spanked her. When he stopped, with his heavy hand resting on her burning bottom, she let out the breath she’d been holding and greedily sucked in a new one.

  “Now,” he said.

  She felt the cool wood of the paddle tap against her bottom.

  “Why are you here?”

  She hated this part. Saying it out loud somehow always made a punishment seem more real, and it always seemed to amplify her guilt. “I went out.”

  “And?”

  Elisa huffed out a breath. “Without telling you. And I ignored you. I’m sorry.”

  She waited for the paddle to fall, but it never did. “I can’t do this,” Paul said, seconds before she heard the paddle fall to the floor.

  Elisa wasn’t sure she heard him correctly. “What?”

  “I can’t spank you. Get up.”

 
Confused, she stood and faced him, forgetting for a moment she was naked from the waist down. “Why the hell not?”

  There it was again, that guilty flash. “I just can’t.”

  Hurt and anger pushed through the confusion. “Fine,” she snapped, yanking on her jeans once again. “I’m leaving.”

  “What? Where are you going?”

  “Anywhere but here,” were the words she managed through the tears now clogging her throat. Grabbing her purse from the living room, she fled barefoot out the front door and into her car. Without looking back, she peeled out of the driveway and raced away.

  Almost immediately, her phone began to ring, but she declined each and every call from Paul as she drove. She had no idea where she was going, she just knew she couldn’t stand another second in their house. The house they’d shared, where they’d planned to raise a family.

  When the tears blurred her vision, she pulled over onto the shoulder and dropped her head to the steering wheel as she wept. Her ass burned and her heart felt like it was broken into a million pieces, and she just wanted it to stop. She missed Penny like a phantom limb in that moment.

  With that thought, she decided to crash at Penny’s, at least for the night. She had a spare key, and at least that way she wouldn’t have to put anything on her credit card for Paul to see. Determined, if not brightened by the decision, she drove to Penny’s apartment and let herself in.

  She’d only been there an hour before someone knocked on the door. Convinced it was Paul, she stayed silent until Melissa’s voice came through the door. “Elisa? Please let me in.”

  With a sigh, she opened the door and stepped aside to let Melissa in.

  “Paul is looking for you. He’s rather frantic. What happened, Elisa?”

  “Nothing happened.”

  Melissa arched an eyebrow in obvious disbelief. “Something happened or you would be home with your husband instead of here.”

  “No, I mean, nothing happened. He started to spank me and then decided not to, and he wouldn’t tell me why. He had that guilty look again and I just couldn’t stand it, so I left.” Elisa flopped onto the couch and let her head fall back against the cushions. “Are you going to tell him where I am?”