Healing Fears (Smokey Mountain Book 3) Read online

  But seconds and then minutes ticked by and Paul never appeared. Feeling lost and utterly alone, she changed for bed. The tears she’d held at bay all day could no longer be denied, and she fell asleep to the sound of her own weeping.

  Chapter 16

  The next morning, Elisa awoke to an empty bed. It was obvious that Paul hadn’t slept next to her. The thought made her want to weep again. Telling herself to snap out of it, she showered and dressed, then went to make amends. Even if he wasn’t going to punish her, she’d been out of line last night and he deserved an apology. But instead of finding her husband sitting in the kitchen, she found a note from him taped to the coffee maker.

  Emergency meeting. Don’t know when I’ll be home. Paul

  She stared at the note, reading and rereading it a dozen times, somehow managing to feel worse and worse each time. Deciding she couldn’t stand to be in the house alone, she changed into a pair of yoga pants and a long sleeved top and drove to the park. Plugging in her headphones, she turned the music up loud in hopes of discouraging anyone from making conversation before jogging onto the trail surrounding the little lake. After a few minutes, she picked up her pace.

  Running was the one thing guaranteed to help her relax. The feel of her feet pounding against the pavement, the steady whoosh of her breath as she inhaled and exhaled, the way she could let her mind go blank and just run. She loved every bit of it. By the time she’d gone around the track several times every breath was a monumental effort. She’d run harder than she’d planned, and she figured she’d be feeling it later that day.

  And the worst part was, she didn’t feel any better. Physically, she was as loose and relaxed as she could get without simply melting into a puddle on the grass. But her heart still ached in her chest. Apparently, she couldn’t outrun her marital troubles.

  As she was stretching, she spotted a familiar figure sitting on a nearby bench. The figure waved her over. With a groan, she jogged over to her friend, Dr. Melissa French.

  “Hey doc, how’s it goin’?”

  Melissa smiled up at her, looking as perfect as always. It was rare to see the prim and proper doctor ever looking anything other than perfectly put together, but Elisa had also seen her at her worst.

  “Good morning, Elisa. What brings you to my little corner of the world this morning?”

  Elisa mentally cursed herself. She’d forgotten the park was directly across the street from Melissa’s office. Then again, it was Saturday, so it shouldn’t have mattered.

  “Wanted a run and this place is perfect. What are you doing here? Working on a Saturday?”

  Melissa laughed. “Unfortunately, yes. Jack’s on a case that’s eating up much of his time, so I decided I’d get some extra work done, and I needed some files from the office. Have you eaten?”

  The non-sequitur threw Elisa off balance, so that she responded instinctively. “No, and I’m starving.”

  “Let’s get some breakfast, then. My treat.”

  Elisa gestured down at her sweat-stained clothes. “I’m hardly fit company for a meal, Mel. But thanks for the offer.”

  But the good doctor had apparently made up her mind, and would not be so easily dissuaded. She stood and linked arms with Elisa, leading her across the park.

  “Nonsense. There’s a food truck on the other side of the park that makes the most incredible breakfast. We can enjoy the cool weather, some excellent food and, if I may say so, even better company.”

  Out of arguments, Elisa allowed herself to be pulled along. When the scents from the food truck hit her, she nearly groaned with pleasure. The pair placed their orders, then carried their meals to a nearby picnic table.

  The food tasted even better than it smelled. “Oh my God, Mel. How do you not weigh three hundred pounds with this place right across the street?”

  Melissa smiled and took a dainty bite of her breakfast burrito. “They’re only here on Saturdays, so it’s a rare treat for me. Do you want to talk about what’s bothering you?”

  Elisa’s pleasure at the excellent meal evaporated. “Nothing’s bothering me. Everything is great.”

  “Elisa, I don’t want to pry; it’s in my nature. But if you honestly don’t want to talk to me, I’ll back off. I just can’t help but notice that you seem sad, for lack of a better term. And you were running like the hounds of hell were at your heels a little while ago.”

  The sympathy in her friend’s voice broke through her walls. “It’s just a rough patch with Paul. We’ll be fine.” She picked at her burrito, no longer hungry.

  “I’m sure you will. You’re great together. Everyone goes through those rough patches, as you called it.”

  Elisa snorted and rolled her eyes. “Yeah, we’re so great together. I guess that’s why he won’t touch me.” To her dismay, tears once again filled her eyes. She took a deep breath, determined that she would not break down in public.

  “Oh, sweetie.” Melissa reached out and covered Elisa’s hand with her own. “Dry spells are a normal part of being with someone for a long time.”

  At that, Elisa’s defenses simply crumbled. “It’s not just the sex. He hasn’t,” she lowered her voice and leaned in so only Melissa could hear her, “spanked me in over two months. And last night I completely lost my head and I swore at him and slammed a door. I really thought I was in for it, but nothing happened. And when I woke up this morning, he was gone.”

  “Have you talked to him about why he’s stopped disciplining you?”

  “He’s tired of me.” And there it was, her deepest, darkest fear, finally spoken out loud. “I’m too much work, and he’s just tired of dealing with me.”

  “That’s not true.” The heat in Melissa’s voice finally had Elisa looking up.

  “How do you know?”

  Melissa smiled and gave Elisa’s hand a reassuring squeeze. “It’s my job to study people, especially couples. You two are more in love than half the newlyweds I see. Talk to your husband, Elisa. Part of being married to someone is making yourself vulnerable to them. Tell him how you’re feeling.”

  Elisa considered Melissa’s words as she drove home. She wasn’t sure that her friend was right about Paul not being tired of her, but she’d been right about everything else. Elisa owed it to herself, Paul, and their marriage to talk to him.

  She decided it was a good omen when she pulled in and saw his truck sitting in the driveway. She jogged up the front steps and opened the front door, calling for him.

  “In the living room.” She winced at the cold tone. He was obviously still pissed from the night before, not that she could blame him.

  “Hey. Everything okay at work?” she asked, sitting on the opposite end of the couch.

  He barely glanced at her before responding. “Yeah.”

  God, she hated this. The best thing about their marriage was that they never let their fights drag out. If she messed up, Paul put her over his knee until she was sobbing her apologies, then they would talk, and everything would be fine. If he messed up, he almost always owned up to it immediately. She’d learned the power of forgiveness early on in their relationship. This deal where they barely spoke after a fight dragged at her.

  “Paul, um, I’m really sorry about last night. I shouldn’t have lost my temper like that.”

  For the first time since she’d arrived home, he made eye contact with her. “Want to tell me what that was all about, then?”

  She couldn’t have asked for a better opening than that. “You never spank me anymore,” she blurted out.

  Paul stared at her for a moment, then shifted uncomfortably and looked away. “Of course I do.”

  “When was the last time you spanked me? Like an actual spanking?”

  “I don’t know, probably last week.”

  Elisa shook her head. “Two months ago. I remember, because it was the day before Penny’s trial started, so it was the end of September. I was on edge about it and I snapped at you, so you paddled me right here in the living room. You’ve b
arely touched me, for discipline or play, since. And even before that, spankings and play times were few and far between.”

  “You’re being ridiculous,” Paul said. The aggravation in his voice was like a punch in the gut. But she was determined to finish what she’d started.

  “I’m not being ridiculous. Last week I went on a shopping spree and spent double my monthly allowance on clothes. When you saw the receipts, you just asked me to be more careful. And last night? Jesus, Paul. In twelve years together, when have you ever let me talk to you that way?”

  “What the hell do you want from me, Elisa?” The sudden burst of anger had her shrinking back against the couch. Paul never lost his temper with her. Even the worst punishments she’d received from him had never been in anger. “You want me to apologize for not beating you because you had a lousy day? I’m not going to do that.”

  “I just want to know what’s going on with us. I want to know that you still l-love me.” Her voice hitched at the end of the sentence as tears slipped down her cheeks.

  Paul stood and looked at her with what she could only describe as pity. “You know what, on second thought, I am sorry. I’m sorry I’ve forced you to live a life where you expect to be punished for every little mistake. I’m going for a drive.”

  With that, he walked away. Seconds later, she heard the front door slam and the sound of his truck backing out of the driveway.

  Chapter 17

  Paul wasn’t sure where he was going. All he knew was that he couldn’t face Elisa at that moment. His beautiful, sweet, bubbly wife had just cried because he wasn’t paddling her backside on a regular basis any longer. There was something seriously fucked up about all of that, and it was all his fault. If he’d just been a normal boyfriend and then a normal husband, they wouldn’t be going through this weird transition phase.

  He’d lied to her, right to her face, and it sat like a rock in his gut. It was the first time in twelve years he’d ever lied to her, about anything. He’d never even been able to plan a surprise party for her, because as soon as she started asking questions he caved. Hell, even their engagement had mostly been planned by her mother so that he wouldn’t spill the beans.

  And yet, he’d sat on their couch, in the house they’d shared for four years, and he’d lied straight to her face. He knew damn well he hadn’t spanked her in months. He’d told himself it was just because they were both stressed out, so he was letting certain things slide. But deep down, he knew the real reason. The problem was, he could barely face the truth of it himself. How could he ask her to?

  On his way home, guilt began to eat at him. He’d been an absolute ass to his wife, for no reason. She’d done nothing wrong. And she deserved better from him, regardless of what he might be going through, personally. Worse, he’d walked out in the middle of a fight. How many times had he punished her for running away when things got hard? And then he’d turned around and done the exact same thing. He wasn’t worthy of her.

  When he walked back in the house, he found her on the couch where he’d left her. She looked up when he came in and the red around her eyes tore at him. He hated to see her cry and hated even more that he was the one who’d hurt her.

  “I’m sorry,” he said as soon as he saw her. “Baby, I’m so incredibly fucking sorry.”

  Her eyes went wide and her lips curved upwards at his apology. “Paul Davenport. Did you just drop an f-bomb?”

  The rock in his gut began to break apart. “The situation seemed to call for it. I screwed up, and I’m sorry. Forgive me, little bird?”

  When she leapt up and raced into his arms, the rock dissolved completely. “Of course I forgive you. I love you, dummy.”

  “Good. Now,” he hooked his arms under hers and lifted her up so that she could wrap her legs around him, “we can make up.” Her giggle was a much needed salve on his heart. He carried her to the bedroom and sat on the bed with her still wrapped around him. Wanting to give her tenderness, he pressed a gentle kiss to her lips. She opened for him immediately, as she always did. From day one she’d surrendered herself to him, and she’d never stopped.

  “You’re so beautiful,” he murmured, brushing her hair away from her face. To him, she’d always been the most beautiful girl he’d ever laid his eyes on. From her skin still glowing gold from all the time she’d spent outside during the summer, to the waterfall of blonde hair that tumbled down her back. Even her eyes, as much as she hated the dark brown. He could spend eternity in her eyes.

  Smiling at him, she tilted her head to give him better access to her neck. Obligingly, he touched his lips to her skin, still salty from the run she’d gone on earlier. She sighed under his touch, and he shifted to pull her top off. With that barrier gone, he ran his hands up her sides to her small, perky breasts. He knew she lamented the fact that they weren’t larger, and that she hadn’t been gifted with Penny’s generous curves. But to him, they were perfect. He liked to think they’d been created just for his hands.

  When she arched back, he lifted her, then changed positions so that she was on the bed under him. Hunger, hot and demanding, rose up in him and he suddenly couldn’t stand not being inside of her. Yanking the body hugging workout gear down her legs, he plunged two fingers into her, reveling in the gasp of shocked pleasure he drew from her. He knew her body as well as his own, knew exactly where to touch her and how. When she came, contracting around his fingers, the victory of it was like a drug.

  He quickly shed himself of his clothes and lowered himself to her, burying himself inside. She whimpered and arched beneath him, shifting her hips to take him deeper. He moved in her, relishing the feel of her warmth wrapped around him.

  “You’re mine, Elisa.” He wasn’t sure why he felt the need to say it, to hear it; he just knew he needed it at that moment.

  “Yes,” she gasped, arching beneath him.

  “Say it.”

  “I’m yours.” She opened her eyes and he lost himself in her gaze. “Only and forever.”

  The words spurred him on and he slammed into her, inwardly crowing at her sharp cry. She contracted around him again, and he felt her go limp moments before he let go and followed her into bliss.

  Chapter 18

  “I took a pregnancy test yesterday morning.” Curled up next to her husband, with her head on his chest as their breathing slowed, Elisa finally gave voice to the disappointment she’d been carrying with her.

  “You did?” The hope in his voice was like a knife to the heart.

  “It was negative.” She didn’t have the strength to fight the tears that slipped down her cheeks.

  Strong arms pulled her closer, offering a comfort that was unique to them. Others might understand the struggle to conceive, but the pain they felt month after month, that was for them alone.

  “Oh, baby. I’m sorry.”

  “I just wish I knew what was wrong with me,” she whispered, burying her face in his chest.

  “Maybe we should go see that doctor we talked about a while back. The fertility specialist.”

  “Really?” Elisa levered herself up to look down at him. “You were so against it before.”

  “I know. I just didn’t want us to become obsessed. Remember Matt and Linda?”

  Elisa sighed. “I remember. She went a little crazy. But they have a bouncing baby girl to show for it, so it wasn’t for nothing.”

  He brushed a strand of hair from her face. “True. But I don’t want to lose ourselves in the process.”

  “I don’t want that either. But I don’t want to give up without trying everything available to us, either.”

  “Agreed. So call on Monday and make an appointment.”

  With a squeal, she pressed an enthusiastic kiss to his lips. “Thank you for this.”

  “You know I’d give you the world if I could, little bird.”

  Hearing her childhood nickname on his lips thrilled her. He hadn’t used that particular endearment in far too long. Still, she couldn’t shake the feeling that somet
hing was off between them. “I know. But you’ve been a little distant, I guess, the past few months. Is everything okay? Like at work and stuff?”

  An emotion she couldn’t quite place flitted across his face, but was quickly masked with his quick, charming smile. “Everything’s great. We’ve just been crazy busy with this new client, but they’ll bring in a ton of revenue so it’ll be worth it. It’ll get better soon, I promise.”

  “I thought maybe you were tired of me,” Elisa confessed quietly.

  Paul appeared genuinely shocked by the statement. “Tired of you? Why would you think that?”

  Elisa shrugged and traced circles on his chest with her finger, unable to look him in the eye. “Because I’m always messing up. I thought maybe you were tired of punishing me all the time. Like maybe I’m too much hassle.”

  “Elisa. Hey, look at me, baby.” She lifted her eyes to his. “I could never be tired of you. I promise there’s nothing you could ever do to make me love you any less.”

  There was a small voice in the back of her mind telling her that something still wasn’t quite right. That she was missing something. But things were finally almost normal between them for the first time in months, so she told herself not to borrow trouble and buried the little voice.

  “Good. Now, I don’t know about you, but between my run this morning and the truly spectacular sex we just had, I need a shower.” She rolled out of bed, his gaze burning her skin as she walked to the bathroom. At the doorway, she stopped and sent him a smoldering look over her shoulder. “Care to join me?”

  He was out of bed faster than an Olympic sprinter leaving the starting line. She shrieked with laughter when he lifted her over his shoulder, then with shock as he turned the shower on and stepped under the cold spray so that it hit her square in the face.